On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
