allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
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Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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