I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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