i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
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My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
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That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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