dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
i need to put some appletini on your dick
This is my life. Enjoy the view
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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