do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
