Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
