I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
