Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
