im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
