Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Girls should come with a carfax report
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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