just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
