Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
