You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
