I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
