First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
