I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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