My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
