I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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