My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
