Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
