hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
