I am puke
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
