I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
