Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
