Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
