it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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