My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
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Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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