I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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