the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
