so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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