True but thats because hes a fetus.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
