who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
And then my night got REAL pukey
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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