they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
being pregnant is like rehab
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
