I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
