Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
