His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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