I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
