Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
