I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
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