The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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