somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
did you just send me my own nude
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
