Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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