normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
