My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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