Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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