Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
