she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
