It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
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after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
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I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
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