capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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