So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
