you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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