i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
