My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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