if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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