Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
