I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
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the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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