I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
