I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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