They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
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