1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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