She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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