bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
bring money and cleavage
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
