I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Your face is a jimmy john
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Too much gin, very little bucket
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
